Two Sides.

  At home, when around his very immediate family (mom, dad and sister) Noah is an average pre-schooler.  He is affectionate, happy, curious, chatty, stubborn, energetic and vehicle-obsessed.  Like most three year olds, he doesn't always listen, has moments of extreme objection (a.k.a. temper tantrums) and has some difficulty sharing.  But since parenting is an ongoing lesson, Dad and I have developed some techniques which have proven very successful...in our own home.  We use rewards (or bribes), praise, time-outs, removal of toys and employ effective communication strategies.
  However, throw another person in the mix and these techniques lose their power and my usually / eventually compliant son is replaced by a hyper, loud, grabby, selfish, uncooperative version of himself that does not listen to the adults around him and is so excited that some of what he says is incomprehensible.  So you can be quite sure that it is this version that shows up at preschool.
  A few months back, shortly after I had overheard a fellow classmate refer to Noah as the "kid who hits", one of the teachers approached me about his difficulties sharing.  He would grab toys and nearly tackle any kid who tried to take any toy away from him.  (I had made a post about this on facebook and got much appreciated and needed support from other mommies...thank you.)
  At first, I blamed it on the fact that he had undergone a major life change.  Two weeks before preschool began, his little sister was born. Then I blamed it on myself.  I was so content with how well he played on his own that I failed to show him how to play with others.  Looking back, I should have forced myself to go on more play-dates but I had shied away from those because someone planted the seed in my head that his language development was behind and that he may have other issues. (That's a whole other entry which I do not think I have the guts to blog about as I am ashamed that such unfounded and erroneous suggestions could make me want to "hide" my son. Besides, I would not be able to see the screen through the tears that would eventually short-circuit the keyboard.)
  I thought that things had been improving because on two separate occasions, the teachers had mentioned that he was beginning to use his words to ask for toys.  Oddly enough, after the class before, I watched him eye a pretty cool toy in the playground and rather than just taking it, he asked H if he could have a turn with it.  When he was denied, I was able to easily direct him to playing with someone else.  I was so proud of him.  We talked about it on the way home.  I had rewarded him with ice cream.
  Then two weeks ago, I got the dreaded phone call home.
  "Noah really enjoys class and has a lot of fun but he has difficulty calming his body down and continues to have difficulties sharing.  We were wondering if you wouldn't mind if we brought someone in to observe Noah and give us some more strategies on how to help him."
  My heart sank into my stomach.  I thought we were doing better!
  He's really a good kid.  Sure he's not perfect but he doesn't mean any harm.  And of course I wouldn't mind another perspective and I would love to have more strategies in my own arsenal. (But to be honest, I am a little weary that the observation is not strictly for strategy sake but more for evaluative purposes.  I guess that earlier planted weed, I mean, seed has grown into mistrust that people are judging and want to find fault in my child. Sad, hey?) Then I hung up the phone and cried.

  I know he is only three (not even three in a half) and that sharing and impulse control are difficult for kids his age but I can't help fearing that these behaviours may be a symptom of something bigger. Attention and hyperactivity issues run in the family. And being a teacher, I see first hand how difficult school life (academic and social) can be for a child.  I don't want Noah to suffer those hardships.
  But how do you work on sharing when his sibling can't even crawl, much less play with the same toys? I guess you model it.  Which is what we have started to do.  You go on more play-dates?  Now all I gotta to do is put out an ad for parents that want to subject their own child to the unruly behaviour of mine.  I already think we have scared away one mommy-son duo. (On that note, I would like to thank our "twin family" who remain understanding and encouraging.  You have no idea how much hope and strength I get from that.) You read books? Bought the Munsch one which he thought was scary because the girl kicks the blocks and shoves a book down the boys mouth. You talk about it? Every time we are driving to preschool, or to a friends or expect company I bring it up and he says all the right things.
  And how do you get an excited three year old to calm down?  I guess you can take him kicking and screaming into another room and wait for the newly hatched tantrum to subside.  But by then "calming the body down" and "talking quietly" seem almost moot.  I tried to teach him to take a few deep breaths when he is excited but he just thinks it's an exercise in blowing hard.  Besides, you think a three year old sees his level of excitement as problematic?
  And how do you get a child to keep his hands to himself when he often takes your suggestion as a challenge to do it again?

  It's just frustrating because the child that everyone sees is not the child I see at home.

  And to those that see us, please know this:
  1) I am not oblivious to my son's problematic behaviours.
      -Believe me, no one is more bothered by them than me.
  2) I am doing what I can to educate myself.
      -3 years worth of bookmarked Today's Parent magazines, countless hours surfing the net while nursing.
  3) We ARE working on it at home, but it is a process that will take time.
     -We are focusing on one problem at a time. Otherwise, both parent and child would be discouraged.
  4) I welcome your understanding, encouragement and tried-and-true suggestions.
       -But you can keep your judgments to yourself.
   5) He IS a good kid.

  But it is easy to get discouraged.  Unfortunately, that phone call made me compare my son to other children and take inventory of the ways in which he is not perfect.  And all that made me do was feel guilty that I had let him down somehow.  That I didn't take the proper steps to show him to share or to  not run away from me in the mall...That, because I didn't feel the need to eradicate his happy jumps, he is unable to keep his body calm and be quiet.  Then I end up hating myself for even coming up with a list of short comings for the honest-to-God love of my life.

  Nearly daily I go through this sea-saw of hopefulness and downheartedness.  I begin to dread visiting family/friends and going to preschool because that is where his problematic behaviours surface and I am still at a loss at how to correct them then and there. And when I am at home, I am hopeful because every day he improves and shows a better understanding of things.
   He is asking a lot of how and why questions which is encouraging because it means I will be able to foster empathy to help promote sharing.
  On three occasions over the past two weeks he has come downstairs in the morning with a statement that reflects that he has thought about a previous consequence. For example, this morning, he apologized for breaking the mini-transport truck I bought him. (He is big into staging accidents so it's to be expected that things break in the midst of all that "crash, boom, bang!"
  He is also open to negotiation and is pretty good at keeping his end of the deal.  I can even use a timer to dictate when things he'd rather not do get done: getting changed, turning off the tv, getting in the car to go to daycare, leaving preschool...
  He is learning to rephrase things more politely.  Can I...instead of I want...
  He is nearly completely potty trained!  Of course we have to put on a diaper for bedtime, but other than that, throughout the day he will go to the bathroom himself with only a few minor prompts and supervision for poops.  In fact, he will ask to take his diaper off (right before bed or after he has woken up) so that he can go pee.
  And there are many more developments that are significant to me but are difficult to describe.

  So although there are many things to work on, I must keep sight of the positive things.

  And to those people out there who judge and say to themselves or other people "I would never let my kid...." or "She's really got to get that (insert specific behaviour here) under control", I say this: I am not letting him do anything, he is a three year old, and sometimes, they just do. Don't you think  I would much rather he share, or listen immediately, or remain calm and quiet in the face of distraction?  And I am doing what I can to teach him alternative, and much more appealing behaviours.  In fact, we have come a long way.  He is improving. Your negative thoughts and gossip do not help, instead, they make me forget how far we have come and chip away at my hope.  Instead, when you see me struggling, just offer me an understanding smile, follow my lead or ask how you can help. (To my Sis-in-law in the Fort, you are a Godsend every Tuesday and Thursday.)

  I am pretty sure I have babbled on in this blog such that I repeated myself or forgot the points I was trying to make.  I just needed to vent...or defend myself.