The Mother"HOOD"

  For a few weeks now I have been meaning to write this blog.  But first, I must take you through the evolution of it's creation....

  Ten years ago, I was married and new that one day, we would start a family.  At that point, I had theories and ideals.  I even kept these until I was pregnant with my first child.  I would look at other mothers and judge.

   "I would never feed my child junk food or fast food or pop."  My child was going to dine on organic foods, dehydrated fruit/veggie chips and drink nothing but milk and/or water.

  "I will never bribe my child with candy." My child will be motivated enough by my praise and love.

   "My child will never be babysat by the television."  I was going to read and play with my child and teach him how to play well independently.  I had visions of myself cooking (obviously stuffing free range chicken with asparagus and peppers grown from my garden) while he/she painted quietly, neatly and for an hour at the kitchen table. 

  This statement had the following addendum: "My child will not be entertained by personal electronics during restaurant meals." 

  I would observe the behaviour of other children and often think, "I would never let my child act like that." 

  In other words, I was an ignorant, criticizing bitch.

  This is the reality:

  Yes, there are times that I feed my child fast food.  Usually, it's on a day where we have one activity in the morning and another in the afternoon.  There's a time crunch, but more importantly, an energy crunch.  Other than when in the driver's seat, Mommy wants the luxury of sitting down at some point between 6:30 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. and if buying some fries buys me 15 minutes to eat without multi-tasking to the nth degree, so be it.  Besides, I opt for the milk and apple slices anyway.

  Yes, I feed my kid junk food...usually as a bribe. GASP!!!  Sometimes, it's to keep his mouth too busy to make noise and interrupt while I try to shop or have somewhat of a conversation with a friend.  It has also helped a great deal during potty training.  Despite my most valiant efforts, the idea of leaving his trains or mighty machines to pee in order to get applause and a hug from his mother just isn't tantalizing enough...a mini-egg, however, is a different story.  We had to upgrade to HotWheels for him to lay his man-biscuits in the toilet rather than in his night time diaper.

  And at least once everyday, I rely on the Boob-Tube Babysitter to keep my preschooler occupied while I rock the infant to sleep for her nap.  Originally the Media Nanny was a great help when trying to change the diaper of a squirmy toddler or when trying to feed a child who would NOT stay in his seat.  These days, said child is out of diapers and will sit at the table with his parents to eat his meal so does not need said distraction.  However, PVR parenting has come in handy when you have people over and you just want 30 minutes of preschooler peace in order to eat or again, actually have a conversation with your guests.  

 Let's be honest, going to a restaurant with a toddler/preschooler is NOT fun or relaxing and therefore, not at all enjoyable.  Frankly, it's just a waste of money and thereby, plain stupid.  So, yes, the last few times I have met my family for brunch at a restaurant I did pull out my tablet and let him watch one of his favourite shows.  This was the only way I could actually keep him from being too loud and roaming all over the restaurant.  And, it was the only way I could eat my meal.  Frankly, I would much rather do take out.  So when the time comes and he is old enough to play with a handheld gaming device but too young to actually engage or care about the adult conversation at the table, I will rely on a gadget governess to entertain my child while I get to visit with the other adults at the table and get a little more bang for my dining out buck.

  I also want to make the following perfectly clear.  I do not LET my child engage in any undesirable behaviour, he just does.  Do not think for one second that I would rather he not run away from me, or get too excited to listen to the instructor, or touch things he shouldn't, or take a toy from another child, or push at a child who takes a toy from him, or have a tantrum in public, or not immediately comply to my requests.  He chooses to do so on his own stubborn, self-centered volition.  Nor did I ever foster such behaviours. We've had talks, read books, exemplified and roll played. We have rewarded good behaviours and taken away privileges for unpleasant ones.  To those of you who witness such undesirable behaviours and tsk rather than sympathize and help, have the balls to say it to my face so that I can cover my child's ears, look you straight in the eyes and say "Fuck you."  Do you think I taught him these things? Other then when it's after him, I have never ran in a parking lot nor in a mall. And I am pretty sure that I wait my turn or ask my friends to share when they have something I want, what am I saying, I don't have time for friends so... Nor do I have a fit when I don't get what I want.  Mostly because I have the patience of a saint (a.k.a. my mom) and because I am a mom and my wants are irrelevant.

There are just some behaviours and reactions that are reflexive and innate to an energetic, spirited child.  And some children are just born docile and compliant.

   And I am going to go out on a limb here and bet that there is not one mother who can claim that her child has slept like a baby from the get-go, that breast feeding was as natural (and as painless) as breathing, that her child has always played well independently and has shared every toy she/he has ever seen and has never used the word "mine" unless in answer to a question of ownership.  No mother can brag that this same child has never refused a food or a nap nor had separation anxiety.  No mother can claim that diaper changes, wardrobe changes and getting ready for an outing (or leaving from one) has always gone off without a hitch.  There is no child out there who has obeyed every single request that was ever made of him/her.

  At some point every mother has struggled, been frustrated and felt overwhelmed.  What I don't understand is...if we have all been there, why aren't we turning to each other for support?  Instead, we  keep it bottled in pretending that we got it all figured out while we are walking a tight rope of insecurity, self-doubt and guilt...alone.  We are afraid of being judged because we know that we are guilty of passing judgement on others.  And this goes against everything that motherhood stands for.

  I quote Susan Diranian in LiveStrongs article The Meaning of Being a Mother.:

"The meaning of being a mother is virtually endless. A mother is a protector, disciplinarian and friend. A mother is a selfless, loving human who must sacrifice many of their wants and needs for the wants and needs of their children. A mother works hard to make sure their child is equipped with the knowledge, skills and abilities to make it as a competent human being. Being a mother is perhaps the hardest, most rewarding job a woman will ever experience."

   Wouldn't it be easier if we just put down the pretenses and helped each other navigate through this? Wouldn't it make this hardest job that much more rewarding? If it truly takes a village to raise a child why are we hell bent on doing it alone (or in the seclusion of our immediate family unit)?

  Recently, I have been overwhelmed.  And in desperation for validation, encouragement but mostly to set the record straight, I ended up confiding to a few preschool mothers on two separate occasions.  During the first, the other moms were so reassuring and positive, citing many improvements that they have observed.  The second incident turned into a mommy confessional where we vented, commiserated and laughed about our struggles.

  And since those two events, it seemed like the after class playground was a more caring and welcoming place for everyone.  The mothers involved seemed more relaxed. In fact, the mother who I always thought was judging me began questioning me about my situation because she feels her son is quite similar to mine.  We all stayed later to talk and laugh and left together with the synchronized announcement "Alright boys, we are leaving." And rather than trying to micro manage our own child, we began to interact with each other's children as well.  We became a village...just in time for preschool to end.

  So I have made my New Year's resolution early...I resolve to open myself to other mothers and make this journey one I don't have to go at alone.  I want to support and encourage other mothers and in return, hopefully gain some strength from others.  I will help whenever I can, even if that means just giving an understanding look or a supportive smile.  I will make small talk at the park. I will openly advocate for my son to prevent other mothers from wrongly judging. And, because I know how hurtful and scary it is, I will not judge others.  Parenting is stressful enough without the scrutiny of others.
  Basically, I want to put the neighbourly "hood" back in motherhood. Let's empower each other. You with me?
  If so... sing it with me...The Motherhood